Sweet Valley High # 1: Double Love or The One Wherein We Meet the Twins of Wakefield

In this first installment of the series, we meet Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, and their family and some of their friends. The twins are gorgeous, with perfect size six figures (as opposed to imperfect size sixes), blonde hair and blue-green eyes.

There are several plots going on in this book. Elizabeth likes Todd, but so does Jessica! Because she is a crazy bitch, Jessica figures out what is going on and makes plans to steal Todd all for herself.

Liz and Jess make Pi Beta Alpha Sorority.

Jessica meets up with Rick Andover, and goes to Kelly's Bar with him. Where she is of course the impetus for a bar fight, because she is sooo stunning, and gets taken home by a police officer. Unfortunately, she is spotted by that nosy biotch, Caroline Pierce (almost every redhead in this series is a nosy biotch, too) and Caroline gets on her white Princess phone and tells everyone at Sweet Valley High!!

Enid meets a guy named Ronnie, who appears to be a controlling, unforgiving SOB. So of course, instead of dumping him when she realizes this, Enid decides that she must keep her checkered past a secret from him, because an abusive asshole is better than no boyfriend at all in SVH land. Another thing that was weird- Ronnie just randomly calls her, instead of talking to her at school. Weird! At least it seems so to me.

Meanwhile, there is a lot of hullaballoo going on over the football field. See, the land was only leased to the Board of Ed, and now that the lease is up, the land is being fought over by the Fowlers and the Patmans. Naturally, he Fowlers want to build a factory because they are new money and care only about making more and killing babies and shooting carcinogens into the air. And the Patmans want a formal English garden, because they are old money and staid and boring and entitled and possibly racist. And Bruce is a date-rapist.

Mr. Wakefield is working on the case, representing SVH, with Marianna West (a name that can be successfully sung to the theme song for the Indiana Beach commercials, you know, instead of Indiana Beeeaaacch), a female lawyer who is DIVORCED - scandalamity! Because she is DIVORCED - scandalamity! - she therefore must want something something with Ned Wakefield. The twins and Steven think this is true and get very upset about it. In addition, Alice Wakefield's design career is really taking off so she is not home a lot, and the parents are not spending much time together.

Meanwhile, Steven has been coming home from college like every weekend, and the twins are concerned. They conclude he is dating someone they wouldn't like. (Wouldn't it have been awesome if he was dating Ken Matthews?! Come on, that would have been awesome). Anyway, somehow Jessica does some detective work (they never explain how) and concludes Steven is dating Betsy Martin! Gasp! Apparently, Betsy is a drug addict whose mother died of leukemia and her father is a drunk. Instead of feeling sorry for her and maybe trying to help her, the twins conclude she is trash. Despite knowing their brother, they assume she has no redeeming qualities. But it's OK because it turns out Steve is dating Tricia, Betsy's sister. Everyone is relieved, but Steven fucks it up because he is ashamed of Tricia's family so he won't even take her to the Dairi Burger for a milkshake (what an ass. And are these people living in Victorian times? I think it totally sucks that her father is an alcoholic - for her. But that is no reflection on Tricia - in fact, it's just kind of sad.) Anyway, Steven finally makes it up to Tricia and agrees to let her be seen in public with him. What a prince. She also comes over to the Wakefield's for dinner.

Todd believes it was Liz at Kelly's and because he is a prig, can't get past this and falls for Jessica instead, after she sort of lets him believe she is taking the blame for Liz to be noble when she comes clean that it was her at Kelly's. Todd does not believe it was really her, but does think she is terrif and asks her to the dance. Liz is heartbroken but vows to accept that she will not be with Todd after all.

Liz covers the court case for the school paper and is concerned that her dad and Marianna are toooo close, but impressed by Marianna's lawyering skills. The school wins the right to use the football field, and everyone is happy. Later that night Marianna goes to the Wakefields for dinner, along with Tricia Martin, whom Steven was secretly dating, and it turns out she is not warm for Ned's form but he was helping get a well-deserved promotion at the firm. Everyone is happy.

Except for Liz! She is still upset about Todd and ends up going to the dance with Winston Egbert, after Bruce Patman asks her and she turns him down. But her and Todd watch each other all night. Jessica is furious, and decides to get even with Todd for only giving her a kiss on the cheek instead of some real action at the end of the night. She tells Liz Todd was grabby. She says he was an octopus but I prefer the explanation as such: "He had as many arms as Vishnu and they were all just as busy." Jess would never say that but let's pretend she did.


Liz believes this story and is angry with Todd. They finally have a confrontation and discover the lies. Liz lets Jessica have it but of course forgives the little sociopath. But Liz and Todd get even - they make everyone think Jess is Liz and so Jessica gets dumped in the pool at some school event, because the editor of the Eyes and Ears gossip column always gets dunked if they find out who she is.


Thoughts:

Oh my. Reading this book again made me realize that the character of Jessica may in fact have always been intended to be a complete sociopath. Because there's really no other way she makes sense. The bitch is crazy.

Why are there sororities in high school? Not only that but they say PBA is one of the best ones and yet ... I cannot recall hearing about any others. And does PBA have some sort of rolling pledge plan? Because Robin Wilson tries to get in in book 4, after she follows Kanye's workout plan. But most sororities have two pledge periods, one main one at the beginning of the year and then one at the second semester ... and my head hurts.

Jessica is always almost getting date raped. Apparently they started this tradition in the first book. And girls in SVH are always getting trapped in cars with drunk boys (it happened to Enid in Enid's Story as well). Why are these boys never charged with kidnapping?!

Jessica calls Enid Eeny. It is kind of hilarious. Maybe because I agree with Jess - Enid is a nerd. Witness this exchange.

"Jess, I have to talk to Enid."

"How can you be best friends with somebody as blah as Eeny Rollins? I don't want you to go over there. Somebody might think it was me talking to her."

"Enid is a wonderful person. Why don't you like her?"

"Eeny is a nerd. And there's something weird about her."

Ha! Jessica is such a bitch. And Liz is 45. Seriously, what 16 year old describes their friend as a wonderful person? Weird.

At this point, Jessica hugs Liz and steals the car keys. I don't even understand what the big deal of Liz driving instead of Jessica is, and why Jess is so upset and thinks people will care? Two people can't drive at once. Liz acknowledges she is used to Jessica's severe mood swings, further proof that Jessica is insane and everyone around her is an enabler.

I also think it's kind of funny that Jessica is always talking about what a nerd Todd is in every book, but she totally tries to steal him for herself on multiple occasions. She is totally into him. Or she always wants what Liz has. Honestly. I think if the character of Jessica were analyzed by a psychiatrist she would at least have a borderline narcissistic personality disorder.

There is a weirdly creepy moment when Jessica asks Liz if they aren't the two luckiest people in the world to have the most handsome guy in Sweet Valley for a brother ... ummm. OK, it is nice to compliment your siblings, but no, having a handsome brother does not necessarily make you lucky. In fact, I'd be pissed if my brother were the handsomest guy in town because that means that anyone I dated would only be the second best-looking guy in town. Well, if I were one of the Wakefield's I'd be pissed because they hate fatties and uglies.

Just how small a town is Sweet Valley anyway? Small enough that Mrs. Wakefield recognizes the local high school criminal element, apparently. Rick Andover almost runs her over in his Camaro and she fumes to Jessica "I bet that was that Rick Andover!" Really? She knows the names of the bad kids? I guess it's plausible .. but ...

If Liz wants to be a reporter/writer so badly ... writing the gossip column is not all that prestigious. It's gossip. About high school kids and who is dating who. I mean, is she going to submit clips for internships of the column?

Clips that look like this: Three cheers for Lois W.! John P. did show up at her party last Friday. Guess sometimes dreams really do some true!"

Sadly, I think that might be verbatim from a future book and I typed it without looking. Anyway, as if anyone would find that impressive.

I really cannot picture this tuxedo outfit being cute at all, and also why anyone would wear the outfit as seperates? Liz offers to let Jess borrow the shirt ... but who would wear a tuxedo shirt without the pants? No one. Maybe the pants without the shirt ... and why, if Jess hates Liz's clothes, is she always so eager to borrow them? It happens twice in this book. And all the time in future ones. But Liz never borrows anything from Jess.

Sigh. Next up is book number 2, SECRETS. I think.